The following is the Headmaster’s Address to the school in Assembly on Monday 1 February 2010

Last week, I developed the idea that perhaps the most important single determinant of well-being is not money, or status, or fame, or ‘twitter’, but rather one’s ability to develop warm relationships with others. When George Vaillant, who for the last thirty-seven years has been in charge of the Harvard Study, perhaps the most the longest-running, and most exhaustive, longitudinal study of mental and physical well-being in history, was asked what he had learnt from the Harvard Study, he replied: “That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships with other people.”

Bearing this in mind, I was fascinated to read the advice of the University of Pennsylvania psychologist, Martin Seligman, who has become the leading practitioner of “positive psychology”. “Positive psychology” has become a powerful force not just in the academic world but also in popular culture. It is this movement, the idea that we can subject the ingredients of the good life to scientific study, which lies behind the proliferation of self-help books published today. You only need to go to an airport bookshop to see the rows and rows of books on the subject, each with a title more corny than the last. Some of them come up with answers or equations more simplistic even than anything I have tried to convey in the last couple of weeks.

But one point which Professor Seligman (which by the way is a great name for a man who has become known as the ‘Professor of Happiness’ because his surname has German origins and ‘selig’ means ‘happy’ or ‘blessed’ in German) – one point he made struck me as particularly interesting and, I think, valid. It is a good tip, which comes out of the world of marital therapy but has applications wider than that – you don’t need to be married to find this good advice.

“Each of us has active or passive, constructive or destructive options,” says Professor Seligman. “Now, what most people do is “passive constructive”.” Imagine, for instance, your wife comes home from work to tell you that she has just been promoted.

Most people do “passive constructive”: “Well done, dear, that’s great.” If you’re feeling particularly sensitive that day, you might even turn the telly onto mute whilst you say this. Well, at least that is better than “passive destructive”. When the wife of the ‘passive destructive’ comes home from work to tell him that she has just been promoted, the passive destructive says: “What’s for dinner?” – a fairly unsympathetic response, I am sure you’ll agree, and one which reminds me of a joke Mrs Bourne told me before Christmas, though that wouldn’t be suitable for this occasion.

Even worse than this type of response is the ‘active destructive’ who, when his wife comes home from work to tell him of her good news, will say something like: “Oh no – that’s a nightmare – do you know what tax bracket that’s going to take us into?” or “Great – I guess that means I will be expected to pick the kids up from school now, will I?”

Unsurprisingly, the one which makes for the best relationship is the ‘active constructive’ response. When the wife of the ‘active constructive’ comes home from work to tell him her news, the active constructive doesn’t just turn the TV volume down, he switches the telly off. He then jumps up, gives his wife a big hug, and then says: “Wow, that is brilliant. How did you hear? Who was there? What did your boss say? How were you feeling? How shall we celebrate?”

I told my wife about this which was probably a mistake, because I fear my responses are normally not in the ‘active constructive’ category and to be honest my attempts to change them since I read the article have provoked some fairly strange looks when I have suddenly, unexpectedly, after more than twelve years of marriage, become so uncharacteristically thoughtful, or ‘active constructive’. It has caused quite a bit of giggling on both sides. But I suppose, like a good golf swing, it is something you have to keep working on until it becomes second nature.

In any case, says Professor Seligman, it turns out that getting people to be ‘active constructive’ is a pretty good way of repairing or improving relationships. So, if we put Vaillant’s statement that “the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships with other people” together with Seligman’s “active constructive model” – then, well, maybe that isn’t the secret to happiness or well-being, exactly – but it could perhaps be a useful recipe……

For if we know that good relationships are important (if Vaillant is to be believed, they are the most important ingredient in a happy life), and if we know that our own approach to relationships is something we can work on and improve, then maybe, just maybe, I’ve told you something that could make you, and me, and those around us, a little happier in the future.